Secrets of Blissful Relationships
   

Secrets of Blissful Relationships is a thought-provoking e-zine brought to you by Michael Webb, well known relationships expert. 

Here is a large selection of the feedback he received on a recent column he wrote on *Love, Marriage and Sex* showing the emotional implications of having sex prior to marriage.

We only show a small percentage of the positive comments but I think we were able to find all the negative ones to put on here so you can gauge for yourself how intelligently they make their case.

****

Kudos on writing such a good article( October issue of Secrets of blissful relationships).  I couldn't agree more.  I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 years and we both decided we want to wait until marriage to experiece love making.  Your resouces were very helpful!  Thank you!

****

I newly subscribed to your newsletter after finding your web site, I just received my first, Love marriage and Sex (in that order) I couldn't agree more! I was pleasantly surprised by this first mailing and look forward to the rest!...just a quick note to say  thank you, I will be sharing this with my teenagers as well.
Rene'

****

I've been out of town and just got your message on saving sex for marriage and I had to respond. I completely applaud your message, because it is true! My husband is a rare man who saved himself for me in marriage. I consider this the most precious and romantic gift I ever received, because it took time, patience and lots of will power. I know that I can trust him, because he may face sexual temptation, but I know he will have the strength in character not to yield to it. I just wanted to thank you for speaking the truth about a subject many people consider too hot to handle.

****

I just finished reading your article entitled, "Love, Marriage and S.ex" and wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading it! It's a shame that more people don't step forward and 'encourage' saving yourself for marriage.
 
Thanks so much for all your emails, they're all wonderful! 

****

Wow!  I had to write to say thanks for saying what needed to be said!  Everything in your newsletter is so true.

Congratulations on having the courage to express this opinion!

Teri

****

I just wanted to compliment you for your recent article on Love, Marriage and Sex. I wholeheartedly agree with you and I commend you on your courage to be honest and forthright on this subject. I am currently dating "the woman of my dreams" and both of us are very religious and will probably marry soon. As we are waiting for marriage it has allowed us to love each other and respect each other so much more. Plus we have anticipation of something very special between two people who have grown to love and trust one another. I just wanted to voice my support once again, please keep it coming!
Justin

****

I definitely agree with the month's "secret."  I waited until after I was married, and my 2 year marriage is "so far, so great!"

****

I just wanted to write and say thank you!  Thank you for not being afraid to say what people need to hear concerning their relationships.  I believe in waiting for marriage and agree that people often jump into physical relationships way too fast in the dating world.  I've been married for almost a year and a half now, but I remember the pressure there is out there to jump into physical intimacy before any real emotional intimacy had been achieved.  I believe it's disgraceful that our society now has phrases like "One night stand" or "friends with benefits" to describe a relationship.  Thank you for not being afraid to make a difference by standing up for what
is right!

****

Thanks for having the guts to write about the sex issue.  Even though we'd been married before and are in our 40's, my husband and I just got married this past leap day (Feb 29) and we'd decided to wait until we were married. It was extremely difficult, but made a wonderful difference in our relationship.  We know we can trust each other if one of us has to be away for a few days.  We know that our relationship isn't built on sex (but it does add a great amount of spice to the relationship we have)!

Thanks for having the guts to write the truth!
Linda

****

Thank you for that truthful advice on waiting for sex until marriage!!  I am one of those who didn't wait, but after 1X I saw my mistake and have remained abstinent for the last 5 years.  Although I will still always have memories from my first, at least I don't have more than that one popping up in my mind all the time.  I hope that a lot of people give your advice a second thought, and maybe learn from other's mistakes instead of making their own!
Again, Thanx!
Cheryl

****

Although I would be one of the first to say that it is as much an ideal as it is something people can do despite the pressures of our society and 'cultural behavior', I have been one to say as long as I can remember:
 
"the quickest you get to a physical relationship, the quickest it is likely to end..."
 
One of the problem is that we live in a society of instant gratification. Since many aspects of our lives are not to our satisfaction, we tend to use intimacy to fill the void... put my vote along your side on this one...
 
Michel

****

I just got married 3 months ago and my husband and I waited to have sex until our honeymoon.  We have been blessed beyond blessed to see how well our relationship has developed before and after the wedding.  I strongly believe in keeping sex for marriage, especially now that I have reaped the  benefits myself! I am glad that you did not shy away from raising such a big issue, especially in the world we live in today! May God bless you for your courage, and may He bless both your marriage and
your kids.
 

****

BRAVO!  Thank you for having the courage and boldness to write this!  I agree wholeheartedly and applaud your getting this message out to the  masses.  I chose to remain a virgin until my wedding night (at age 34), and I have NEVER regretted it.  I also "saved my lips" for my husband-to-be; we didn't kiss until after we were engaged, because being involved in a relationship already kept my emotions plenty busy without introducing physical contact to cloud my judgment regarding whom I should or should not marry.

I have been so thankful to not have memories of anyone else when I'm with my husband, whether we're just kissing or having more intimate contact.  I  hope that many people will take your advice. Stephanie

****

Kudos for taking on a controversial subject which many don't broach! Our society and the messages we receive from media (TV, movies, and print media) all tell us it's okay to get physical before marriage. Look where this leaves us: unwed single mothers, children without fathers, welfare programs, broken relationships, and/or marriages founded on distrust.

As a single (never married, no children) woman of 34 years, I long to have a solid-built relationship leading to marriage. On many occasions I could have sacrificed this goal for instant gratification and a short-term relationship. However, I believe that God blesses those who prepare for marriage by waiting, working on their emotional and financial situations before contemplating the "I do's".

Keep up the good work, Michael. I hope to read more articles with thought-provoking topics such as this!

****

You're correct.  This will be a controversial subject, but you had the courage to approach it.  Bless you for that.  Most churches won't touch this, a few will. Continue to bring the "hot" topics to us.

****

Your "Love, Marriage, and S.ex" article stated deep, important truths that is ignored in our society. Your courage is appreciated. I've been getting your e-mail for many years. Keep up the good work! Seize your day....

****

You hit the nail on the head this time. Like the little school kids song, Tommy and Tammy sitting in a tree, k i s s i n g, first comes love then comes marriage, then comes Tammy with a baby carriage. When we get involved past kissing things get to hot to handle. We lose the ability to think clearly and make decisions that we should not make while in that mind set. I know cause I did !!! - Buddy

****

I just read your article on premarital sex.  I have to say, given my past and present serious relationships, I wish I had waited with the women I cared about.  All of the pitfalls that you pointed out are present in my relationship, although they mostly come from my girlfriend.  The mistrust, the expectations for the future, the extreme acceleration of our relationship, all have the potential to destroy what is otherwise a good thing before it has a chance to really flourish.  Any advise for couples who have already taken the plunge?  I think we can potentially have a great, if not blissful, long term relationship, but at this point it's looking a little fragile.

(Editor's note: It is never too late to stop having sex until after the wedding - there are still rewards to be reaped).

****

Two thumbs up, this is the concept that needs to be brought up to young
couples everywhere.

Thank you for those who are not too late to hear & heed this concept.

****

Maximum respect for taking a stand that might make you unpopular. I think it's awesome that you are prepared to say something most of your readers will probably disagree with and say it anyway. You've just notched up 100 coolness points in my book!

****

How refreshing to hear someone encourage *waiting* for sex until after marriage! My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years and from the very beginning, we established that we would not have sex until after marriage. We have an unbelievable relationship - so much better than anyone I know. Sometimes, with all our friends 'doing it', we wonder if we're just being prudish... but every time we talk about it, we come up with another good reason for waiting. I know our wedding night will be so much more special because of it.

With all the pressure in society to be sexy, to experiment, to do whatever your body tells you to... I have to say "Thank you", from the bottom of my heart. Your article was just what I needed to remind me of what I already know.

****

I just wanted to thank you for writing these e-zines, and to tell you that your last one was amazing. I am almost 16 with a boyfriend of over a year. Since i was 9 i have told everybody that i am going to keep my virginity until i get married. Of course, i was nine so nobody believed me. But now more people do believe me and that was one of the first personal things i told my boyfriend when we first met.

My boyfriend respects my decision and says it is very honorable for me to save myself until marriage. Some women my age ask if I am a virgin (because  f my well known long relationship) and i proudly say yes. I have my own reasonings and defense but none would actually inspire, touch and motivate people. Your article touched, moved, and inspired me. I will share it with my friends and girls my age to hopefully do the same to them. that was amazing and thank you.

****

Great word. As a pastor I get al ot from your column that I share with people in marriage or premarriage talks. I like how you laid this one out. Keep true to path God has you on. Your website gives you access to many hearts to sow the truth of God's word. You do it in a real "non preachy" way.

****

thanks for taking a stand on waiting until married to have sex.  You are so right in the problems that can be caused.  I wish I had waited.  Now it seems that casual sex is really being pushed and women are becoming the aggressive person.

****

I'm really writing to tell you that this month's newsletter is fantastic, as usual.  Abstinence has been a passion of mine for some time now.  Let me explain:  I'm 21 years old (22 in a couple weeks) and have been married for 3 years (4 in a month and a half).  My husband and I courted, Josh Harris-style, in high school, and we waited until our wedding day for our first kiss.  Most of our family thought we were nuts, but we knew that the more we waited to do, and the harder it was, that was how much better our marriage would be because of it, and it truly has been.  We had each kissed others before, but we were both virgins until our wedding night.  It is sooooo nice to hear someone else in favor of this kind of relationship!

****

Another powerful reason for saving sex until marriage is that it guarantees what my wife (of 39+years) and I refer to as "The Big E" which stands for Exclusivity. It is so VERY important to us and would be to many others if they just had waited to share this most intimate act until marriage, thus ensuring that they could have "The Big E." This would guarantee them "The Big E." Not waiting puts them at risk for never having "The Big E" and never realizing how powerful it is and can be in so many aspects of a couple's relationship, even aspects that have nothing to do with se.x.  Ed

****

Your article "Love, Marriage, & Sex", was right on! I agree with you 100%. I'm 23 years old, my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and a half, and both of us agreed right off the bat to wait. That's the way it should be!!

****

Just wanted to say thank you for having the courage boldness and compassion to tell the truth once again! Because I can always count on you to tell it like it is, even when it may be against popular opinion, I keep my subscription and enjoy it very much! Blessings to you and your family! Cherie

****

Thank you for speaking on a subject that many people take for granted.  I absolutely agree with you.

Waiting for the right person, isn't easy.  However, it is an individual choice.  If you honor yourself than your would be partner would honor you as well, with respect,  love and devotion.

If you look at ones own individuality and plant the idea that your body maybe yours, but when one gets married your body is your gift too your partner and your partner would appreciate it more, knowing that the person they love has waited for them to share their sexual pleasures with them.  Not an easy task.  But one that I believe is worth the wait.

Respectfully
Waiting in WA

****

I haven't really written to you, but after reading this months "controversial" topic I had to respond. I am 20 yrs old and have always wanted to save myself for marriage, I cannot tell you of the many guys I have broken up with because they have not wanted to respect my decision. (They obviously weren't meant for me.) I look at all my friends having their "casual sex" and I am confident that I am not missing out on anything. Sex has not made their relationships any better. I am very happy that you shared your opinions about saving sex for marriage, I truly believe that waiting to sleep with the love of my life, will make the bond between us far stronger. I shared your email with my boyfriend, and since he is not a virgin, he very greatly regrets that he did not wait. I only hope that others will listen to your wise counsel.

****

I'm so glad to see someone put forward such a position in this day and age.  You are to be commended for taking a strong stand, which will undoubtedly not be popular.  Truth is not measured by a show of hands.

Sadly, my strong agreement comes from feeling the weight of my mistakes.  I'm married to my second wife, who is worse than my first, and the second time I was completely overwhelmed by the sexual aspect of the relationship.  My current wife is extremely angry all the time and bitter about life, the  universe and everything and now we don't even have a sexual relationship at all.  It looks as though I've traded my birthright for a mess of porridge.   If I hadn't had sex with her before marriage, we certainly wouldn't have been married at all.  People warned me, but I was captured by the sex.

Now what?  It is VERY hard to love someone who is hypercritical, negative,  and who seems to hate, hate, hate.

Thanks for your stand for the truth!  I only wish I had obeyed the truth before it was too late.

****

I just want to congratulate you on tackling this topic. I completely agree with you, and it is heartening to see that there are still people in the world who see the value in keeping moral standards. My husband and I both waited until we were married. Most people either told us we were crazy or stupid (didn't we want to 'test drive the vehicle?'), while others envied us saying how "lucky" we were. Little did they consider that luck didn't enter into it! It was a
choice, made based on how we were raised.

It was very difficult at times, especially when we were forced to postpone our wedding for an extra four months, but we held on. In fact, I never even kissed anyone until I began dating him, because none of my previous relationships were at that point. Even now, three years later, I still get tears in my eyes at how special it is to know that he's never shared himself that way with anyone else, just as I never have. I only wish more people could experience that special gift that God intended. Thanks for having the courage to speak the truth!
Gemma.

****

Thank you for your article about abstinence until marriage. My husband and I both made the choice when we started dating that we would not even "french kiss" and that instead of spending time "making out," we would spend the time getting to know each other.
 
I feel that one main benefit of "waiting" is the respect and trust that grows in the relationship. We knew and trusted each other probably better than most of our friends who were getting married around the same time that we were. We didn't have to deal with all of the difficult issues of jealousy, regret, insecurity, and disappointment that many of our friends went through. Sadly, we already know one couple who has divorced only after a year of marriage, due mainly to the decisions they made - or didn't make - about their physical relationship before they were married. They didn't want to wait. Only later did they realize that what they had thought was love, was only lust, and that it fades quickly.
 
I'm not trying to get on a high horse or say that we were better than other people because of the choice that we made. I am just forever glad that we did wait. A college professor once told me that a relationship should be built like a pyramid: Friendship, trust, and respect must be the foundation that you build your relationship on. Other important things follow, continuing to build the strength of the pyramid. At the very tip of the pyramid is a sparkling diamond that is reserved for after marriage. It is the physical intimacy that should be reserved to be between a husband and a wife. That tip is the crowning piece of the pyramid - glittering in the distance until marriage, and then the reward and blessing afterward.
 
Another blessing of waiting has been the strength it has given to our marriage. We have now been married for almost 3 years, and in that time have gone through the death of my mother and our first son. If we had not had a strong foundation in our marriage, those trials could have ripped us apart. Instead we have grown closer together through our good and bad times.
 
Thank you for standing up for virtue and honor in an age when it seems that "anything goes."
 
Sincerely,
Jessica

****

I am one of the ones you said had regrets.  I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 18 months, and we decided to have sexual relations a little less than 2 months along in the relationship.  I regret it now, because sometimes I do think that when we get married, we'll just feel the same about each other as we do now...that having sex that early will take the sparkle out of being married.  Don't get me wrong...I love him to death, and I'd do anything for him, but I know also that I'm more jealous and suspicious than I ever would be if we had waited.  And the thing is, now, that we're used to having an active sexual relationship, we just can't stop on a dime and wait for the wedding day...which is not set.  It will leave us both feeling deprived of something.  I think that if you're going to have a relationship with no sex involved until after the wedding, you have to stick to it from the get-go, and have very strong self-discipline and strong morals.
 
Controversial topics are what get people thinking about what's right and what's wrong and why there are standards and Who ultimately put those standards on this earth.  This one was one of my favorites that you've put out!!
 
Jennifer

****

You Go!!!!  I totally agree with your waiting until marriage with sex.  More people need to be bold and say it like it is!

I had one sexual partner before marriage, my husband had none.  It took me 17 years of marriage to get rid of the baggage of just one intimate partner. My husband's love for me has been so strong and sweet and pure the entire time.  It wasn't fair for him to wait all those years for me to be the same for him.  Sex before marriage definitely has an affect on marriage.  Truth is truth, whether people want to believe it or not!  We can't change how we were designed to work without consequences.

Thank you for being willing to "take the heat" for speaking the truth!!!  I hope everyone who received your "thought" will take an honest look at what you have said and be determined to wait for that truly blissful intimate sexual contact in marriage!

From  a wife who wished she had waited and a husband who always tells her she was worth the wait!

****

You are right on! My fiancee and I have been together for almost 4 years now. We didn't start out on the right foot in this area, but God convicted us and about a year later we made a stand to be abstinent. That was almost three years ago. We are certainly looking forward to being married and celebrating what God has created! The pressure is not there to "perform" or wonder if we are "good enough" for each other. And best of all, she knows that I love her for her, not for the sex! And we are still together after several major life crises: a period of unemployment for me, court appearances with my ex, the death of her ex, and life in general trying to raise the daughters we have each been blessed with.
 
Thank you for your newsletter. It is indeed a blessing!
 
Doug

****

Thanks for taking a positive stand for married sex! More people need to hear that and not give in to the idea that "everyone is doing it".
 
As a pastor who has counseled dozens of couples thru the years, I heartily agree that none of the couples that waited until marriage for sex regretted it! On the other hand, so many who didn't wait now have regrets about pre-marital sex.

****

I grew up practicing the true love waits way of life until right after my HS graduation. My dad took his own life that year and soon after I feel apart not caring about myself. I didn't just have sex I had sex with friends and people I barely knew.

I didn't care at the time, until I met my soul mate. We also had sex, but then it was because I didn't want him to think he wasn't special and those other guys had it. After having sex then you cant hold out on that one partner and hope they understand it is because you think they are special. Due to that we ended up pregnant. Thats where a lot of marriages aren't in Gods plan. So many people marry for the sake of a child, but if we had stuck to his plan then that risk would not be there. Thank God my soul mate has forgiven my past encounters. But it wasn't instant or easy.

The first few years were filled with arguments using the words slut and whore in anger. It is no longer that way because we have come into a Christian relationship, but I feel there is a lot of heartache in premarital sex. I know I feel better knowing he only had sex ONCE before me. And had we had a Christian relationship when we met then he would have understood he was special to me if I wanted to wait.

Very good topic and good point. Most people just blame society, I think mostly because we are afraid to see that the world is behaving in a wrong way. We could be so much stronger in our relationships if we all grew up thinking how special things will be if we cherish that moment.

****

I wanted to thank you for your article and although I am one of the people who did not abstain before I was married I still believe in the value of waiting.  The truth is I now have a two-year old son. He is a product of a one-night stand.  I love my son more then anything in this world, but it has been a struggle for me to raise him all alone. 

I know with all of my heart that God made a plan of families and husbands and wives for a reason.  It is just too hard to do it alone.  I am now using the support of my family (mostly my Mother) to raise my son.  They have a wonderful bond, but the guilt I feel of not only burdening her but being a working mother is sometimes very tremendous.  I don't think people realize the "ripple" effect of the problems that can happen from being too intimate with someone you do not know.

I have a lot of respect for you for speaking you piece and I know that it will be a value that I will instill in my son.

****

My husband and I both waited to be intimate with anyone until we were married.  We wouldn't have had it any other way and neither of us feel like we missed out on anything.  I know lots of other people who have waited too and they have no regrets.  I agree that it can ruin a marriage to be intimate before marriage because I have seen that happen too.

****

I applaud you for taking on the tough issues and speaking boldly and unashamedly about what you believe.  I agree wholeheartedly with your thoughts this week and wish that our society in general agreed with them.  I just want to encourage you to not stop writing good and solid thoughts such as these.  People need to hear them even if they don't like it.  I will pray that God will give you grace as you respond to those who need a response.  And wisdom and patience with those who are not so nice in their responses.

****

I
couldn't agree more with this premise, and you (as usual) made the case clearly and eloquently.

I waited until marriage to have a relationship at that level, and my wife did, too.  We are both very religious, and this was the primary force behind our decisions (though I appreciate your essay pointing out many of the aspects of this issue that have nothing to do with religion or morality).  I can definitely say that neither one of us regrets this decision.  While our wedding night was not filled with fireworks (what can you expect from two people with no experience), our intimacy is much more meaningful and personal because we saved it for the proper time. David

****

Thank you for so beautifully expressing what I wanted to say to my boyfriend for some weeks now. I am a Christian from a non-US culture, where people take their religious beliefs seriously, and found it difficult to explain (apart from using religious jargon) the logic of my wish to abstain from physical involvement until marriage. Your newsletter expresses what I have always felt is the logic behind this "rule" offered by our Lord to help us get involved for all the right reasons.  To my great joy, I think he is beginning to understand the benefits of abstinence (even though we are both past 40).

****

Thank you for using your outlet to be a voice of reason to a seemingly unreasonable world when it comes to the issue of pre-marital sex. I hope that you get more positive mail about what you said than negative. My lovely wife and I both were virgins when we wed. There is no more beautiful or perfect gift you can give to the person you vow to love until you die. There was on one else there our first time together except us, there was no emotional baggage either one of us brought to our wedding bed. I challenge you to keep up your efforts to tell your subscribers to wait until they are married to share sex with another person. I waited and so did my wife and it was one of the best things either one of us did for our relationship and our marriage. It can be done!!

****

I can understand your points about having sex before marriage. Let me just tell you about my experience. Three months after dating this guy, we furthered our relationship by having sex. He had told me about a month before that he loved me. I knew I loved him shortly after we started dating. We moved in together after a year of dating and we just celebrated 2 years together. (MW: you might want to read my column on Cohabitation vs Commitment)

Now, we are planning our wedding and planning to spend the rest of our lives together. I know that there are people out there who keep looking for love and think that sex is love, I think it is a continuation of the love two people feel.

****

I can't agree with you more.  I didn't wait until marriage and my wife did.  I would give almost anything to be able to go back in time and make different decisions.  Of all my mistakes, having premarital sex is the one I regret the most.  My wife on the other hand, doesn't regret her decision at all.  I respect her beyond measure for being strong enough to wait. Josh

****

Just so you know - you hit the nail right on the head!  Kudos for saying what needs to be said!  I can truly say so because I'm one of those people who tried the sex before marriage thing and ruined my relationship, then tried the relationship based solely on sex.  None of these were my 'style', and after meeting my current boyfriend, I know why.  My boyfriend has introduced me to real values - he has abstained from having sex in any of his relationships and is very happy for it.  Our relationship (going on 1+ years now) is strong and steady, and we look forward to consummating it the right way - on our wedding night. 
 
For myself, I can say that it makes things ever so much less stressful, and not only does it make them less stressful, it makes our relationship feel right.  Knowing his faith-based values right up front made dating so enjoyable and allowed us to foster our friendship first.  I can't imagine doing the dating scene any other way.  The only hard part is daring to be different despite the barrage of sexual innuendo and pictures that we're assaulted with on a daily basis through the media. 
 
Again Kudos to you for daring to be a different media source!  I know when I tell my boyfriend about this letter, you'll be given yet another bonus point from him too!

****

I'm so glad that you took on such a "controversial" topic.  I was raised in a strict christian home and was always told that it should be in that order...love, marriage, and love making.  I grew up and thought I knew better though.  I had sex with my first boyfriend at the age of 16, that relationship lasted till I was 17 and found out he was sleeping with someone else.  Long story short, I've had four partners, this includes my first husband and now my second (he's my soul mate!)  I wish I would have waited. 

****

Wonderful and much needed article!  I do marriage and family counseling and one of the root problems in marriages today is the issue of pre-marital sexual relations with all dire consequences that it produces months and years later.  Keep up the good work - you hit a home-run with this article.  Don't let anyone
tell you otherwise.

****

I just unsubbed from your "newsletter". I've found that people who can't even get the word "SEX" out without distorting it, blushing when saying it, or just can't accept its normality likely are PRUDES.
 
I suspect your religious upbringing/morality of religious origin is the reason for the useage of "s.ex" being the way you refer to it, as well as your insistence of "...waiting until marriage..." as a guarantee of staying together, and, "...our bodies weren't designed for..." sexual intimacy without a marriage license. What a load of BUNK. There is absolutely NO EVIDENCE WHATSOEVER to back this up, and never has been any [unless you count the numerous instances of midieval witch hunting of the Anglican & Catholic Church and the Crusades as such]. Haven't we left the dark ages already?
 
I'd like to suggest that you admit to this being your personal idealism/religious dogma BEFORE people sign up for your "newsletter". It's neither news nor information based, with prejudicial, chatechismic and ignorant rhetoric as shown here. That way, no one is going to get pissed off and write nasty-grams such as I have this morning, after seeing the REAL issues you feel we all need to hear, i.e., your personal beliefs as stated.
 
It's called being HONEST and FORTHRIGHT, as well as being UP-FRONT with people. I abhor those who feel they have to push their narrow-minded beliefs upon others with invented "facts". Science, statistical proof, etc., yes. Baptist/Pentacostal/Catholic ignorance (with which I'm well acquainted with, having been raised in that "environment"), NEVER.
 
J.R.

****

Here we go.  Due to your E-mail I will most probably UNSUBSCRIBE.
Why??
I have been edicated in a very STRICT catholic environment telling me that s.x is sin but can be condoned within marriage.
So, premarital s.x was not sin but mortal sin.  Through therapy, self-improvement and struggle I am finding my way and shared blissful s.x with a few partners already.  Regret??  Not really.
You also start from some premises
 
* Since s.exual relationships were designed for married couples
 
I disgress.  Nature invented s.x for procreation. All else is convention.
Marriage is an institution invented by humans to proctect CHILDREN.
Without the aim to protect offspring, legalise it, get societal support for them
marriage has no real meaning. 
Moreover, 2 people living together can be better soulmates than a married couple.
 
 
~While waiting to have s.ex until you are married won't guarantee a
blissful relationship, it will certainly cause your mate to honor and
respect you much more than if you didn't.
 
I disgress.  You imply that 'not showing sexual interest' or 'not penetrate af female partner' will ensure bliss or at least respect?? Possible but very debatable and opposite to my own experience.  Not proceeding to a physical relationship meant the END of a relationship or even NO START at all...you can not change NATURE whatever your religion tells you.
 
*I've talked with quite a few people who waited to begin a s.exual
relationship until they were married and *none* of them have regretted
it. I've chatted with numerous people who began a s.exual
relationship before the wedding and practically all of them had
regrets
 
Here you go to far because it is anecdotal and filtered through your prejudice in which you think :
 
- s.x before marriage brings doom
- hence people MUST regret it
- staying a VIRGIN until after marriage brings BLISS, hence it is a good thing.
 
Ask any psychotherapist if this is true and...you might get another answer.
 
My reply :
 
You talked to quite a few (happily married) couples...
you have sample selection bias.   Did you talk to people who remained VIRGINS until after marriage and are now living divorced or who can admit they live in an unhappy marriage?  I DID.  Did you talk to people who had s.x before marriage and now have a BLISSFUL HAPPY marriage and RESPECT each other a lot...
I DID.  Not respecting your partner because of s.x before marriage is a spinoff of religious bigotry where you classify women (or men) in the madonna-whore categories.  Your wife should be a VIRGIN...
Do you really think that muslim women whose s.x drive is chained and suppressed and who all have to enter VIRGIN into marriage have more BLISSFUL marriages??  
I talked to and...is no EVIDENCE. 
I talked to many happy couples who had premarital s.x and are now HAPPY.
I talked to many couples who did the contrary and now are MISERABLE.
I talked to many VIRGINS who are still suffering...
 
How about that.  I do not think that you can go back to such FUNDAMENTALISTIC BIGOTRY. 
 
You can keep your opinion of cause BUT if these letters will keep VILIFYING premarital s.x for all evil in relationship and telling VIRGINITY before marriage is the solution to all relationship problems and that the marriage of VIRGINS is the ultimate solution...
we might expect you to vilify divorce, masturbation, sexual bliss etc...
 
So, back to square ONE, the religious BIGOTRY that made people suffer so much and mainly told WOMEN to suppress ALL their sexual energy...
 
Thanks for you article but you can consider me DOOMED and ready to BURN in HELL where you with all your RIGHTOUSness most probably would send me???
 
To all saint,
 
I am a happy SINNER, at last.
 
K

****

 
Thank you for that article about premarital relationships and getting into physical intimacy too soon. I agree 100% and do not believe in sexual relationships before marriage. Some folks do get too heavy with petting and feel so guilty that they marry someone they shouldn't because they have gotten too physically involved.
 
Anyway, it was interesting because you gave practical reasons, not just religious and spiritual reasons why we should be celibate before marriage. I am 61 years old and it is hard to find a man over 50 who believes as I do. They seem to think that we are no longer teenagers and so the rules of waiting to have intimacy do not apply to us. These are so called, "christian" men also. I was a member of a large Methodist church that was evangelical and certainly not a liberal church, but I was appalled at the number of women over 30 who regularly hopped into bed with guys they met at church. YUCK!
 
When I tell men that I am saving myself for the man who will love and cherish me in marriage I am accused of being afraid of men, having low self esteem, not liking men (and I guess that is implying that I like another gender), or of hating sex.  I think the sexual act is very beautiful in the context of marriage and the wonderful safety of sharing your whole self with only one other person on earth.

****

I am in total agreement with you on this subject matter.  My first marriage was a long bitter one, which I entered out of obligation and not true love.  I do plan to wait on having a sexual relationship with my future wife until we are married, because I do respect her very much  She is an earthly angel, a heavenly gift sent into my life with God's grace and she makes me a better man.  And so I will wait for our union, before we become one flesh.

****

It was so great to hear someone with as much "fame" and respect etc. as you have to speak up about sex before marriage.  I am a 100% supporter of no sex before marriage, and am very much looking forward to getting to my wedding night with no regrets. 

So, thanks for the encouragement, and congratulations for having the guts to put the challenge out there.  Jess

****

I have to agree with you on the sex before marriage issue. I never thought of it the way you presented it, but it makes total sense. I'm divorced, and I waited with her. Our divorce was because of religious reasons. And 8 years after her, I tried the dating thing again. Had sex the second date, talked about marriage, Yes I felt the bond, but she didn't and we broke up 3 years later.

****

Michael I just wanted to thank you so very much for what you wrote about waiting to have sex until you are married! My husband and I are very strong believers in that! We both were virgins when we got married and it was the best thing that we ever did! You learn and grow together in everything including sex! It brings you closer together and we feel that it helps so much in bonding you and helping you get through life's trials because you have already shown each other that you can wait for someone you truly love, that you can make a commitment and want to share your life with someone for eternity! The world needs to hear it more often that sex is not something that should be treated casually, something that is sacred as are our bodies! Again thank you so very much for sharing that great and wonderful opinion with your readers and I hope and pray that it will help someone somewhere and that others may take your advice! Elisha

****

When I subscribed to this newsletter, I actually thought I would be getting some valid information.

It is really rather frightening to read that your mailing list is over 75,000.  I am hoping it is just because people are just too stupid to know how to unsubscribe.

Your opinions belong at your dinner table, not someone else's emailbox.

****

You are very right about what you said. it is what happens in my country india. we are a country full of culture and tradition where sex is prohibited before marriage. but sadly due to the increasing impact of the western culture and the human tendency of doing more of what you are prohibited to do this tradition is slowly starting to fade .  

but it is good to see when people in western countries are of such an opinion . i hope that more and more people agree to this opinion.

****

I think that is the best advice you've ever given.

****

About your article this newsletter. There is a bonding chemical that actually causes that marital type fusion between people (besides the spiritual side of things). I was reading about it in one of my mothers women's health magazine. It has actually been deeply scientifically studied.

So even if people dispute the spiritual union of sex, you can't argue with scientific proof.

****

I have a lot of respect for you to take the stand about it as you did. I am definitely no prude however I do know how and have my morals, which have had their downfalls at times. I totally agree with your suggestions and view of the way sex and marriage should go. Once again, keep up the good work and for those who don't agree, try it, you might like it.

****

I have been on your mailing list for quite awhile but had no relationship. Sometimes I thought it was a waste of my time to read it because I couldn't apply it. As a Christian woman, I have not been successful in relationships for various reasons but one of the major ones was sex before marriage.

Now I am in love for the very first time. I mean, I never knew it could be like this. Never have I experienced unconditional love, unselfish caring, and the sheer pleasure of worshipping God together both now and in the future.

We have committed to purity until marriage. This is a first for me, that a man would love me enough to build that trust and cherish me to not steal this special moment for us as husband and wife before we are married. I am in awe and daily thanksgiving that he loves me this much. We are engaged to be married next year and are so looking forward to the completeness of each other.

Thanks for being an inspiration for me, even when I wasn't romantically involved. I truly look forward to future ideas from you on ways to bless this man whom God has given me as His Wondrous gift.

****

I totally agree! I have been dating my boyfriend for three years and we have never had sex. That was a mutual goal that was agreed upon. Not just for the mental aspect of it, but also the spiritual and emotional aspect as well. Not have sex, enhances our intimacy and bond. He truly is my best friend and I love the fact of taking my time getting to know someone instead of jumping in the bed with him. The one positive side of not having sex before marraige is it also increases your respect, love, trust and devotion with one another. I am glad that we stuck to our plan!

****

I can't tell you how encouraging it was to read your latest "secret."  It is so very important and yet people and society often do not wait to have sex.  You worded the email very clearly and cohesively and really said it quite well.  I am proud of you for taking such a bold stand.  It is so important for people to realize the proper place of s.ex in a relationship, and that it is always for marriage solely.  I hope that many will read your words of wisdom and heed them, for they bear such truth.
 
Good luck with the "angry" emails you may get regarding "judgment and close-minded, old-fashioned thinking."  Remember that what you speak is true.  God designed s.ex for marriage and it is beautiful and appropriate in that context.  I too have never met a couple that regretted waiting until their wedding night to have s.ex.  Many people have argued with me that what if the other person is lousy at s.ex, it makes you have to consider how strong the commitment is in the first place if they are ready to leave a person because they are "bad" at s.ex.  I have always encouraged my younger people (hehe, I am not that old...just kicking into Youth Leader mode...sorry) that it is something that you can and will develop together throughout your marriage...it is also more fun when you are both learning as opposed to one partner being more "experienced."
 
Thank you again for profound email.  Too many people don't realize that it is their desire to rush into the physical that harms and usually destroys their relationship in the first place.

****


Thank you so much for expressing your ever so unpopular views regarding pre-marital fidelity. With the ever increasing amount of pornography streaming into our homes, and workplaces, as well as the disgusting filth that is portrayed on movies, tv, and in music, it forms a notion in our minds that sexual intimacy is common; that you must not only experience it with your potential spouse, but that doing so is all bliss with no consequences.

Virginity, a word that used to be so highly regarded cross America, is now looked down upon, and even mocked.

I try to hold strong to the quote that says, "True unhappiness is found when we give up what we want most, for what we want at that moment."

****

Sorry, but you have really discredited yourself.  You've gone way too far.  Your views on relationships, sex, and marraige have narrowed.  Its disappointing.
 
"I'm going to boldly state that our bodies and minds are not designed for s.exual relationships until marriage. The two go hand and hand and to try to
separate them causes a lot of emotional turmoil in our relationships."
 
Not everyone is brought up the same way.  Not everyone has the same experiences with sex and marraige and relationships.   For you to change from offering couples things to think about and questions to explore with their partner, to trying to steer your readers towards a certain idealism, is an abomination.
 
"They either think each partner is "the one" or they think s.ex is so wonderful they don't want to miss out on the opportunity. S.ex is indeed wonderful and very special and saving it for the wedding night is treating it as something special. Sharing it with practically everyone you date makes it rather ordinary."
 
How dare you claim to know what "they" think!  Who are you interviewing for this information?  Obviously not a wide spectrum of people. 
 
"When you sleep with someone you aren't married to, they begin to get concerned with how many other people you have slept with."
 
They should be concerned, it is another important question like your 1000 questions.  But dealing with the answers is important in connecting with your partner.  If one partner has different views about sexual history of another, then its an important issue to discuss.  Its not a valid reason to tell everyone not to learn about their sexuality or repress their sexuality until marraige. 

"If you are willing to have s.ex with someone you aren't married to, will you feel the same after you are married? How about your spouse?"
 
Good questions.  If a couple decides to wait, discussing and exploring their sexuality is important whether they have sex before or after marraige.  Too many couples do not discuss sex before entering into it, both before marraige and even if they wait. 

"One has a tendency to compare their partner with their previous ones. Regret, jealousy, guilt, remorse and angst are just a few of the emotions that s.ex before marriage will bring."
 
Those emotions are just as strong in people who wait until after marraige.  Most of them are caused by fear, and not enough communication and not enough openness.  Don't you think repressing natural sexuality also can cause most of those emotions?

"* Since s.exual relationships were designed for married couples, your mind naturally begins pushing the relationship further along than where you might be."

How can you claim that sexual relationships were designed for married couples?  That is a very narrow-minded view!   Its true sexual connection involves emotions and adds depth to relationships, and many people enter sexual relationships without regard to that fact, but so many people are not taught how to have relationships so they learn by trial and error.  It doesn't mean that marraige is the answer. 

"You might not even know the person you are sleeping with but the s.exual act will naturally make you form an emotional attachment to them. Many couples who really shouldn't be together are married
because a pre-marital s.exual relationship "bonded" them together when they wouldn't have bonded without being physically intimate."
 
There is some truth to these statements, but since you blended it in all your other comments, it has less thought provoking affect.

"I've talked with quite a few people who waited to begin a s.exual relationship until they were married and *none* of them have regretted it. I've chatted with numerous people who began a s.exual relationship before the wedding and practically all of them had regrets."
 
Obviously you haven't talked to enough people.

"While waiting to have s.ex until you are married won't guarantee a blissful relationship, it will certainly cause your mate to honor and respect you much more than if you didn't."
 
Honor and respect do not come from abstinence and marraige automatically.  Honor and respect come from communication and understanding.  At any stage of a sexual relationship.  

"Love, marriage and s.ex -- let's keep them in that order."

Its views like this that pull people apart.  If we aren't going to be tolerant of other peoples views, lifestyles, choices, etc.  We will all be the same, and we will cease to be individuals. 

Your cookie cutter views are very disappointing. 

~Rob D

****

I didn't wait until I was married.  I lost my virginity at 17, and I've never stopped regretting it.  In fact, I regretted it immediately after, but I was too proud to change my life at the time.  For young people, once you've lost your virginity, it's so much easier to "go there" with more and more partners after your first.  Luckily for me, I found an interest in God before I became promiscuous.  I know that that was where I was headed, though.  I am now married to a wonderful man who waited for me, and I wish every day that I could say that I waited for him.  But, God has forgiven me, my husband has forgiven me, and I need to forgive myself.

Your message of waiting for marriage is mine too, and I hope we can get this message to all the world!!!
 

****

Thanks so much for being bold enough to take a stand on such an important and vastly misused and misconstrued topic. I admire you for your candid and frank approach to discussing this. The way you presented it was non-judgmental and yet so clear. It is refreshing to read and know that there are people who believe that Sex was intended to be for one on one contact only in the confines of the marital bed. It has never failed to amaze me that people seem to pick sexual partners as one would pick a fruit or vegetable out at the supermarket. Then if they don't like it they discard it so cheaply. People are so valuable and in my opinion nondiscardable.

I can join the crowd of people who have told you that they've regretted not saving that special gift until their wedding night. I was young and confused and did not have the proper foundation to stand upon at the time to keep myself from refraining from "falling into infatuation", with my husband. It resulted in a great disaster. I became pregnant with our son and my boyfriend basically deserted me the entire pregnancy. He then "fell in love" with me once our son was born and we married. It was a marriage fraught with heartache and I carried that pain for nearly 20 years. I never felt special like I was chosen for me. He had been quite promiscuous prior to marriage and I had not. Before our marriage he made the mistake of telling me that one of his other partner's was more to his liking. It cut me to the core. I carried that doubt throughout my entire marriage. What is no surprise is that he was not "there" for me for most of the marriage either. He became married to his job.

I have been single for almost four years now and I have learned a great deal about relationships and myself and have developed self esteem and have not given into the pressure of forging a sexual relationship with someone out of need or convenience. I did not mean to go on and on... I just wanted to thank you so much and express my gratitude for a well thought out and researched article. It is in my archives of articles to keep and re-read again and again. I find your newsletter so beneficial to me. It strengthens my resolve not to weaken and settle for just anyone or any relationshp but to wait until I am comfortable and safe in a real loving relationship.
 
****

Your, right.  I am sure you are going to receive a lot of email responses from your article.  There were a few times while reading it that I actually had to rub my eyes and rapidly blink in order to convenience myself that I was not in church.  While I understand your theory, I must say there are always two sides to every story.  It seems to me from your article that you waited until marriage to have sex.  That was your own personal decision, one for which no one should JUDGE.  To write about the pitfalls for premarital sex, when you have not even experienced them is hypocritical.  You write weekly about how to keep the romance alive, and keep a connection with your mate.  Who is to say that marriage is for everyone.  If marriage is not for a particular individual, is your theory that they should ever share such an intimate connection with another?  Or what if the one you love is dying, and you never get the chance to marry, is sharing such a connection wrong? Bottom line, this is a personal decision for each person to make.  Offering advise on the matter is perfectly normal, preaching as to how someone should live their life is blatantly wrong.  I notice that you did not point out a single good point about pre-martial sex, and maybe that's because you do not believe there is one.  But I would strongly disagree with you.  It is wonderful to hear that your lifestyle choice rendered a happy life for you.  Because that is the most important part of life, being happy.  Pre-marital sex or not.

 
F.Y.I.  I think your articles would be much more appealing if every once in a while you wrote about personal downfalls that eventually made your relationships stronger, rather that portraying yourself as the perfect mate all the time.  People will relate more.

(MW: Apparently you haven't read many of my columns. I won't even bother to comment on your other points. )