Secrets of Blissful Relationships

I received so much feedback from my recent issue on Cohabitation vs Commitment, that I decided to share many of the responses. If you missed that column, you can read it here.

Way to go!!! Great newsletter... I sure hope people take it to heart! - Ruthanne

I read your e-zine each week, and enjoy it. They give me great ideas for my relationship with my wife. I've not written in response to one until now. I thought that this week's article comparing marriage and cohabitation with owning and renting was right on target. I, too, do not believe in cohabitation as a way of preparing one for a long-term commitment for all of the same reasons, but your analogy helps describe the issue with much more clarity than I have had before. Thank you for your many wonderful articles that ring true. Thank you, David

I just LOVED your article on "Commitment vs. Cohabitation". You hit the nail right on the head. Our world needs more of this type of information put out there. Let us all keep doing our best to NOT be the silent majority!! D

Whoa Michael! If that doesn't spell it out I don't know what will! Excellent thoughts and insight. Everyone take heed. Why does everyone feel there are only two choices, to get married or cohabitate? Personally I prefer to have my own place for several years and see how the relationship goes with separate living quarters. Don't be fooled, 24-7 doesn't make a relationship work. Commitment, honest communicating and caring people make it work. Keep my name on your e-mail list! Thanks, Gretchen

Excellent analogy. To take it a step further-- God did not intend marriage to be a contract, but rather a covenant. A legal contract excuses one party from their obligations if the other party does not fulfill their obligations; a covenant requires a person to fulfill their obligations whether or not the other party does. Blessing on you and yours this Christmas. - Tim

Just in case you do get lots of unsubscriptions regarding today's issue, I thought you might like to hear from the positive side.  You are absolutely right about living together before marriage as a trial run.  This only betrays that one or both partners have issues that need to be confronted in the relationship - hence their unwillingness to commit to it.  Not to mention that living together before marriage = sex before marriage which is yet another way to cause terrible damage to your eventual marriage whether you marry the person you are living with or someone else. 

Anyway, I'm getting off the point, which was to encourage you that even if you offended people with your subject today, you were dead on the money. Keep up the good work.
Leah

Thank you so much for your article entitled "Owner or Renter". I can see how this can offend some, but I completely agree with you. The first months of my marriage were so tough, it wasn't until months later that I discovered (or rather, allowed myself to see) how truly wonderful my husband is. I would have never seen how loving, fun, and just delightful he was. That rough patch in the beginning would have ruined us had we been in a "renting" situation. As it was, we had made a serious commitment. We both worked very hard, and things completely turned around for us. I count my blessings every day that we stuck it through. It would have been a tragedy to miss out on such a blessing in my life for something "easier". -  Alison

Hi Michael,  Just wanted to say that your column didn't offend me at all.  Very wise words.  I married and divorced after 12 years and also lived with someone for 3 years after that.  I definitely learned my lesson.  That will never happen again.  I believe your right.  It was easy to walk out when the going got rough, but on the other hand, grateful I never married him.  Anyway, my situation worked out.  Many don't.  Thank you for bringing ideas to mind.  I'm in a relationship now and from the get go I told him I'd never move in.  He agrees with me......  Keep up the good work! - Gina

Excellent!!!!  You're not losing me!!!!

Murray

I have been subscribing to your newsletter for several months now and when I first read this week's newsletter I was a little taken aback as I am a "cohabitator".  But then I began to think of all the
people I know whose marriages have failed after living together before marriage, including my own first marriage, and now I'm scared! - Kelli

I just had to email you on this subject and say you are so right. I was with a man for 4 years and lived with him. The relationship stagnated. He did not want to get married (why should he since we lived together) He did not want to talk about having kids (it was always "we'll talk later") So I finally left him. My next serious relationship I had a few rules. He could spend the weekend over but during the week he had to go home. I was very adamant about that. I did not want him to start spending every night over then all of a sudden I am living with him and in the same situation I was in previously. And it worked. My boyfriend proposed.  We were engaged for 14 months and he only moved in with me 6 months before the wedding so we could save money (we were paying for our own wedding since we were in our mid-late 20's) And because of that I was forced to deal with issues differently than if we were just living together. I think when you are married you are more secure in your relationship because you know you have made the commitment and so has your partner. When you live together it is always in the back of your mind that your partner can leave or you can leave at any time which makes you much less compassionate and patient. I'm just glad it worked out so well for me the second time around. My husband and I have been together 5 years and still are wildly in love. It's a beautiful thing. - Shannon

Just wanted to say thank you for speaking with such candor! Truth is more powerful than anything! Yet not always popular... So if you get some negative feed back... I just want to remind you there are many people out there who also agree with you but might not take the second or two to tell you so! - Cherie

You hit the nail on the head with this one.  I completely agree with you about owning or renting in a relationship.  I have a few friends that "just rented", then got married and less than a year later - divorce.

I've always known that living together first is not a good idea but I've never been able to properly put into words why.  Now, thanks to your explanation, I have it.

Thank you very much!!

Jeff

I have to admit that when I first saw the title of this week's entry I was like "WHAT!!". But after I got past that I began to realize that alot of what you were saying is true. But there are also some (live-in) couples who make it work, just like there are some married couples who make the same mistakes. I know my fiance' and I anyway put a lot of work into our relationship so we don't become one of the statistics. We do plan on getting married next September (it would've been sooner, but I had to finish school). One thing that I have to be honest about to myself is that it easier to bail out on a relationship when there is no commitment and I think thats where a lot of live-in couples get messed up. If it gets to hard or you get annoyed you can just move on. Where in a marriage or a good, stable relationship you know you can't just walk out (though some do). Amber

I applaud you on your article about marriage versus living together, and saying that marriage is the best way to go. I am definitely against people living together before marriage. It is wrong in God's eyes, and that is what counts. Thank you, Judy

It's so nice to know that someone else has read the same studies I have. :) In the past, I've dated guys who tried to get me to move in with them "to test it out."  Horse hockey.  I knew what they wanted -- and since I don't believe in intercourse before marriage anyway, I wasn't about to fall for it.  Fortunately, I'm now dating -- and discussing marriage with -- a man who feels the way I do.

It's nice to hear your reassuring voice of reason in this age where relationships are so pathetically casual.  I definitely won't be unsubscribing from your lists!
    Alyce

Bravo!!!

It's good to hear someone else saying what I believe!  Sign me up for another 50 years of your newsletter!!!

Marcia

Thanks for having the guts to "say it like it is" regarding the 'vow of commitment' of marriage vs. the 'well lets give it a shot' attitude that is representative of living together.  As a supervisor and teacher, I constantly use analogies to help people understand the point I'm trying to make - and your analogy of the ownership vs. rental drew the perfect illustration in my mind, and I'm sure in most other peoples' as well. 

I have no doubt that, as expected, you'll be receiving numerous complaints and requests for unsubscription, but I wanted to take a moment and thank you for your comments and your analogy - I'll be passing it on to others.  I hope you have a wonderful Christmas!

Sincerely,
Keith

After reading this week's column, I admit that it made me rather angry. I disagree so completely with your opinion on this topic, that I felt compelled to respond.

I believe that in the column you wrote this week, you made some dangerous generalizations and assumptions that were not fair to make. You assume that couples who choose to live together do not take commitment seriously. While this is the case with some people, it certainly is not the case for all.

I believe that couples who cohabitate before marriage and end up divorced would have ended up that way anyhow, because they don't respect commitment. Co-habitation and divorce do not have a cause-and-effect relationship.  Some people (although certainly not all) who choose to live together do so because they have problems with commitment. Later, when they get married,
that 'problem' hasn't gone away. They still have no respect for the concept and have no problem getting a divorce. People who believe that "simply breaking up" from a cohabitation situation is an "easy" solution are going to see divorce in the same light. They would end up divorced whether they lived together beforehand or not.  They are the people who have difficulty committing, and difficulty working on their relationship. Perhaps choosing to live together can be an indicator of a problem later, but I don't agree that it is the CAUSE.

On the other hand, for many of us, cohabitation is looked at as a serious commitment, which only happens when you have already decided that you plan to marry the person you're moving in with. These couples begin the process of building a healthy marriage, building compatibility. There is no "mine and yours" philosophy there.  If you enter a cohabitation situation with that mindset, the commitment is no less than that of marriage. Either a couple is committed, or they are not - a piece of paper and a ring is merely a symbol of that commitment.

You wrote one thing that I do agree with, "When couples who live together decide to get married, usually little changes in their relationship except for their legal status and maybe a change of last name."  Exactly! Either they have a good relationship or they do not.  Either they are willing to work on their problems, or they are not. Either they are committed to one another, or they are not. Cohabitation does not create this situation.

Living together before marriage can be a valuable decision to make. It gives couples the opportunity to experience day to day life with this person. It gives you time to work out the mundane details of everyday existence, such as who is going to keep the bathroom clean and who is going to do dishes. It gives couples the opportunity to work on their financial compatibility. It allows couples to REALLY know what it is like to be married to this person.

On a personal note, I want to say that my husband and I lived together before marriage for approximately three years.  When we moved in together, it was under the full understanding that the arrangement was going to lead to marriage. From day one, we began building the foundation of our marriage, building our compatibility. We worked through financial problems, we worked through individual problems, we even dealt with the whole, "stop throwing your underwear on the bedroom floor" problem BEFORE we got married. During those three years of cohabitation, it is possible that we could have come across a hurdle that we simply couldn't work past. Not for a lack of effort, but because these things sometimes happen, whether a couple is married or not. Sometimes, you try everything possible to make things work out between you, and they still don't. If that had occurred, going our separate ways would have been a lot easier, both financially and legally.  Fortunately, it didn't.

I will be the first to admit that now that we are married, our relationship hasn't changed. I am happy about that fact. Our relationship is still healthy, built on a strong foundation of love and commitment and a willingness to work on our problems.

Respectfully,

Kelly